How to take criticism.

You know, when it comes to posting, I have to admit I often think, why the hell am I giving my opinion when I'm not a published author? I'm not exactly an expert.

But there is one area I have some experience in and arguably one that as an unpublished author I may have more experience in per page than a published one.

That is, getting kicked in nuts.

Also known as getting constructive and unconstructive criticism.

I've not yet mastered the ability to not care emotionally when I take criticism. See, right there in that last sentence is one of the problems. I said when *I* take criticism. But we'll get to that later.

When I meet someone to get their feedback, when I receive a text about a piece of writing, when someone comes up to me after a performance, its like a feeling of free falling. I'm really hoping there's a sweet ass cushion at the bottom of the fall and not a concrete smash-your-ego-open reality.

I care so much. I'll obsess over the one negative line someone said for months, maybe even years. I remember my first book, 'the sixth' which was a bloated mess with a miserable protagonist, and even as I say that it comes from the criticisms: "The book is too long" and "the protagonist is so miserable I couldn't get into it". I showed it to a creative writing teacher and he carved me a new one, telling me how there wasn't any dialogue till page five and that the quotes at the beginnings of the chapters were "self-indulgent." This particular guy began with this huge preamble about how its just his opinion and that I can ignore it and all the rest but it didn't matter, afterwards I felt like I'd just been dumped. Like some freak accident had just occurred and I was in shock. This is followed my despair, anger, self-doubt and for me, eventually, determination. Eventually. But the words still reside like ammunition to shoot me on a bad day.

But I'm not writing this post to talk about how much it hurts. I'm writing about how I've felt and how to fix it.

Your reader is not as invested as you are in the work. Maybe eventually they'll be an exception to this, and you'll get a fan who named their offspring after your protagonist but at this point, ain't the case.

You're invested up to your eyeballs. This is months and years of effort put into what sometimes feels like a house of cards, a paper tiger, hoping and crafting a meal you want your reader to enjoy, to want more of.

Which is the problem.

I don't like a lot of 'great' novels. I tried to get into one of Rushdie's recently and I couldn't do it. I'd rather listen to this audio-book with a pulpy sci-fi space battling revolution or reread Dune for the umpteenth time than read last year's Man Booker prize winner. Just like how I'd rather watch YouTube than 13 Reasons Why. I know they are good, but I've seen the Avengers movie three times and Schindler's List a solid zero.

Its not always about quality, its about taste. Stay humble by remembering what you've rejected yourself. It's not that they weren't attractive or smart or funny enough, it's just that there wasn't any chemistry. It happens. Its nothing personal. It's subjectivity.

Two: remember not to discount the positive. If we gave equal weight to the praise and the criticism we might just be a bit happier. That said, I sometimes envy the truly egotistical, or confident, who do it the other way around, ignoring criticism and remembering just the praise. Including the kind they give themselves. So keep a file, a folder, a clipping of all the praise. Collect it physically, digitally or just somewhere in the corner of your soul to remind yourself that there's a lot to like as well.

Three: manage your expectations. The fall is only as bad as how high up you to begin with. Writing is an iterative process. You don't produce a finished product straight away- and even if you seem like you did, it probably isn't as great as it could be. Drafts are a part of that process. Its natural. If your goal is to craft, let the criticism come, let it become a part of the process. I try to remember that the pain is part of it, like the burn after lifting weights. Keep your expectations realistic and don't expect greatness. My biggest lesson in this was a poem I wrote, called "Werewolves." It started off as a piece of flash fiction which didn't win in a short story competition. I thought it was trash after that. Then one day I read it as spoken word and it becomes one of my most requested pieces. Someone once told me it was a 'masterpiece'. People dig it. I thought it was a piece of shit till then. I didn't aim for greatness, but I did aim to tell a story and greatness (if you'll indulge me to use the phrase) happened on its own. You can't always control it so don't try. Just craft.

Four: you are not your work. I am not a shitty writer because I write a shitty story. I am not what I made. I am a complex, undefinable, ever-shifting series of skill sets and moments of inspiration that cannot be objectively measured. Then there is the work, the thing I want to make. It's a thing I did, I spent time on, and the only way to judge me as a writer would be to judge everything I've ever written or could write and that changes every year anyway. It's not who you are. You're a goddamn human being and you are glorious by default.

And the editing process has among other things, helped me grow some thick skin. And even if this book is a wash, its not a waste. There's a skill to taking a punch. It means less time spent on the floor doubting yourself or being too afraid to get back to work. Its more time at the table actually writing and less in bed beating yourself up.

But for me the other lesson is to use taking criticism as a lesson in how to give it back out. Be kind.

I encourage a lot of poets during poetry tonight. Because that's also part of the iterative process. You need to keep writing. This truly is a journey and each piece of work is one step closer to the great ones. I know this now, for a fact, after writing 300 or so poems and having a handful that I will straight faced say are pretty damn good. Without all that crap, and boy did I write crap for years (still do), or at least mediocrity, the good wouldn't exist.

The worst thing you can do is stop.

Never stop. Never give up. Even if they tell you you wasted your time, you never have, not really.

I recently got some criticism that hurt. It made me feel like I'll never finish, that it will never be good enough, that its DOA and I'm refusing to call it.

But someone else said they want to read the book 2 and they like it as is.

Someone else has said I'm a good writer.

And I once wrote a poem called Get Back Up which could have a whole verse dedicated to taking it and moving on.

None of this post is about how to use criticism constructively, because the truth is we know that already. We know its meant to help us improve the work. This post is about how to take the punch. Reminding yourself of these truths so you can get back to sculpting.

I've got a few more rounds of criticism to go now. And I'm trying to keep my expectations realistic and not take it personally. But lets see. As long as I bounce back the rest doesn't matter.