Step 16: Get better values

I could have worked harder today. In fact, as I write this, a friend of mine is waiting in another room so we can continue our game of toy soldiers on a night before the holiday.

Frank confession, I wrote less than one thousand words today. I had work, sure, editing research papers, teaching poetry, helping kids with uni apps, but the real reason I didn't write as much was a lack of commitment.

Still- it wasn't a zero day. 

I've almost finished listening to a rather decent audiobook- The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck

The part I'm at talks a lot about having productive values. I must have refreshed my Wattpad at least four times today in the hopes of getting another read on the first chapter of CoP. Okay, maybe six times. Ten. At one point, the reads moved up to 7, from 6, and I fist pumped.

"Getting more reads." Is not a useful value. Hell, "Improving self-marketing to increase the number of reads." Isn't so bad, but really, that's not what I'm talking about, I was talking about just "Having more reads", because the number of reads somehow reflects the quality of the writing, which reflects on the quality of the novel, which reflects on my qualities as a writer, which reflects on my qualities as a human being and whether what I pursue is worth a damn.

Terrible value.

What values do I have when it comes to this project?

I've been getting really hung up on what people think, whether they will read it, and I was congratulating myself because I have progressed from 'neurotic wreck' before I began to 'extremely-self conscious' to not really caring that much but I'm still missing the next few leaps.

Hell, even my friend that I am playing toy soldiers is now on TV. SERIOUSLY, A WHOLE THREE SECONDS. Full face man. The life eh? I think that some fucked up point I would have felt incredibly envious. I would have watched the time stamp. (It's more like four seconds).

Since I started posting on the blog, vs just FB, I've been getting less reads. But what the hell difference does 20 reads vs 5 have to do with anything? It's because of what I believe they represent- that high I get from the fantasy that some random people truly love my writing, that they are fans, which means I'm alright, I should be doing this, I...

Useless value.

Here's my new value: Create consistently. Grind. 

"Write 200 bad words today." I'm getting this second hand, but in the book, the author mentions someone else, asking another writer how they crank out hundreds of books. The writer's response was that he aims to write "200 terrible words every day."

The idea was that by starting, by setting yourself low standards, you overcome all the bs that prevents the work from actually getting done.

Grind. Create.

A poor value is one that requires the actions of other people to fulfill. Being at the mercy of the crowd, the applause, the appreciation. 

Instead, grind and create. Step 16 vs Step 1: Stop measuring progress via other people's opinions. 

Whether anyone reads this or not, it doesn't really matter at this point.

I know some people do, a few- and that's a freedom. Grind and create.

We rewatched the video. He looks good man. Nine seconds, we checked. And I was desperate for 15.

Grind and create.